Home Sweet

Back home in Iowa. It only took a few minutes of being home to wonder how in the world is this going to work?? Sometimes I feel great, like nothing is wrong, like nothing ever was wrong. Then like a huge wave, I just get taken over and carried under and I'm unable to function. The nausea is horrible, but so too is the emotional and mental turmoil that goes along with it. I'm just not used to breaking down and crying...for no reason! And yet, only moments ago, my not quite 2 year old son said "How's it going for you? I love you." So maybe I should just take my own advice: suck it up and deal with it! God is in control and this is all for the service of our new baby. Lord give me the strength.

9 Weeks Pregnant

Wow. One thing God has blessed mothers with (or at least me) is a short-term memory. It boggles my mind how I just 'forgot' about pregnancy = the flu that never ends. And the emotional instability. And the out-of-body experiences all day. And the depression. And the denial that there is actually a baby in me (it's all just some crazy thing I've made up). And how worthless and useless I feel! Anyhow, I've been staying with my parents in Ohio for the past week so that Nick can be productive at the church and not have to worry about Cade and I. It's really supercharged the feelings of worthlessness. My daily goal is to hold down the couch and any food my mother graciously brings to me. And I am pretty knowledgable about the Olympics, or at least what NBC will cover. Cade has been thriving in the country air and unending supply of food. I am pretty sure he's put on about 10 pounds and a couple of inches in the week we've been here. He also seems to enjoy that Grandma's house is Grandkid Central Station. There are at least 2 or more extra grandkids here everyday. And so, on we go. Each day trying to feel more like I actually exist.